How many times have you been with someone – It may have been a friend, family member, or colleague – but not really been with them? Sure, you might have been there, chatting, listening to their problems, offering your assistance maybe. But in reality you were thinking about what chores you had to do, where else you could be, what you’d done just previously, the things on your own mind that you’d rather talk about than what the other person’s saying or what you will say next rather than listening to what they were saying now… Perhaps you even checked your phone, glanced at the TV or looked at your watch.
One of the most effective ways of loving someone else, I believe, is to truly ‘be with them’. And yet it’s something that probably few of us ever do, even when we might have made time to spend with someone, and know that we care deeply about them. It’s hard not to bring our own lives and issues into a conversation. I know that I’m always tempted in a conversation to say things which will bring it around to discussing the stuff I want to, that which will serve me and make me feel better. But that’s being insincere to the person who, if we love them, we should want to give our time and attention to.
I’m sure we all know what it’s like to talk to someone who doesn’t really seem there. It’s frustrating, confusing and disappointing, and even though they’ve made time for you you do end up feeling like saying “Look, let’s do this another time…” Unfortunately, we probably also do this most to the ones we love most. I’m sure every married person out there is guilty of ‘listening’ to their partners stories while really watching the TV or thinking about something else…
Try this for an exercise the next time you meet someone. Turn your phone off. Take your watch off. And just before you meet them say to yourself “This period of time is about them. My issues and concerns can wait for another time. Let me listen to them intently and purposefully. Let me only talk about myself if it helps them or they ask. Let my interest and concern and commitment to them show that I love them.” I think you’ll be surprised at what happens in that conversation and time with them compared to if you were just ‘there but not really there for them’.
I recall some research done regarding communications, where in a university lecture they put a bunch of people in the front row. In one lecture they were told to look bored and uninterested, doodle, pass notes, etc. In the second they were told to listen intently, nod, pay close attention and clearly make notes relating to the class… The difference in the lecturer’s performance was remarkable. In the second he was more animated, relaxed, informative and entertaining…. So imagine what that could mean for your personal relationships.
To be on the receiving end of such attention is to experience a gift of love. I remember once during a long evening chat with a friend, who pulled her chair up close to where I was and sat there leaning forwards, listening intently to what I had to say. It was something that stuck in my mind as such a generous and amazing gift. (OK, later on I discovered that she was sitting so intently and leaning that way because she was suffering some indigestion problems, but still!).
See who you can offer this gift to.
I think this is also an gift we can give to God. Just as we spend our time with others thinking about things other than them, no doubt in our time with God (however we create that) we may spend an inordinate amount of time thinking about what we want to do after this, or putting our own issues first and contemplating how God might give us the answer we want rather than just letting him speak for himself…
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